Bill O'Reilly's shit list (new fatwa issued in book form)

Bill O'Reilly is perhaps the most insecure man on the planet.

He is probably the most insane as well.

After years of simmering in hatred, self-pity and vengeance, the man of a thousand 'shut-ups' has finally lost what's left of his mind. First, reports came out about O'Liely's claims that al Qaeda put the Falafel King at the top of their hit list, which the FBI dismissed as pure nonsense. And now, he's pimping his newest book, 240 pages of nonsensical whining called Culture Warrior (not that he'd know much about being a 'warrior' anyway), to be released September 25.

In short, his own personal 240-page 'shit list'. And the theme of the book is to warn the unsuspecting lemmings who divine as gospel any thought that inadvertantly comes out of his head of all the scary, evil people out there (whom he refers to as (ahem) 'Secular Progressives', or 'S-P's'). In other words, an enemy of Bill is an enemy of the United States. Uh huh.

"My goal," Bill O'Reilly writes in the introduction, "is to expose and defeat people who have the power to do you great harm. My weapons will be facts and superior analysis based on those facts". Which of course tells you that Bill O'Really is really full of shit. Of course, one of his biggest adversaries, Media Matters for America, approached his publisher for a review copy, to which the insecure FOX News gasbag replied "Nice try. No book." Of course, the people at Media Matters obtained a copy, thumbing their noses at the 'No-Spin Spinner".

As much as I detest this flaming facist lunatic, this review almost makes me want to buy a copy, just for the unintentional humor in it. Of course, I'd wait to buy a really cheap used copy, or else I could probably get it dirt cheap from one of those so-called 'book clubs' that buy this crap in bulk to get high rankings on bestseller lists for books that target an audience that can barely read. The 'book' looks to be an absolute trainwreck, and powerful evidence that O'Liely has finally jumped the shark. Of course, he claims that he doesn't do 'personal attacks' like all of the enemies that attack him, but the initial appearance seems to suggest otherwise. It's nothing but attacks and cheap shots, in perfect Bill O'Loofah fashion.

Of course, many of his remaining fans will likely eat up. Conservatives, like Bill O'Nutcase, tend to be a thin-skinned and paranoid lot. Also extrememly arrogant. They always like to play the role of martyr, and think that they're constantly attacked. So a crappy little self-help manual such as this will always find a gullible audience.

"Because I criticize what I consider to be dishonest and unfair media, and extremist pundits on both the right and the left as well as corrupt and/or ineffective politicians," sayeth the Falafel King. And who better to know than...

But even for a right-wing stroke book, Culture Warrior sounds terrible. One glance at it shows that it's merely Bill O's personal shit list. "I mean, what I don't get about Susan Sarandon and her fellow S-P travelers," Bill O'Reilly writes in Culture Warrior, "is the constant anger" (Page 161). But let's be real here - Bill O'Really is one angry person! I mean, just look at some of the names on it.

For one, if you've ever punked Billbo Gasbag in a public forum, such as Air America host Al Franken, Jon Stewart, George Clooney, David Letterman, NPR host Terry Gross or Jeremy Glick, author, activist and son of 9-11 victim Barry Glick, then consider yourself 'on notice'.

Typical target of right-wing blowhards? Yep, he's talkin' about the ACLU, The New York Times, Air America Radio, MoveOn.org, Cindy Sheehan, and Michael Moore.

Indirectly compete against Bill O'Riled-Up? Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Ted Koppel, ABC News producer Rick Kaplan, Walter Cronkite, Sam Donaldson, Bill Moyers, Ted Turner and CNN. CNN? And I thought Billy Boy had a good relationship with them! Even foreign networks cannot escape his wrath. Also included are the CBC (must be that damned "Hockey Night In Canada") and the BBC.

Ever give tons of money to left-leaning causes? Consider yourself on notice, George Soros and Peter Lewis.

And don't think he's forgotten about the Hollywood crowd! So add the usual suspects Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand.

High-profile Democratic politicians do not escape his wrath either, as Howard Dean, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, and House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi make the cut.

Bill O'Constipated hates the print media. Which makes sense, since it's likely that he and his audience can barely read anyway. He despises the Boston Globe, Washington Post, Baltimore Sun, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Miami Herald, New Orleans Times-Picayune, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Kansas City Star, Minneapolis Star Tribune, Houston Chronicle, Denver Post, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, The Oregonian, San Francisco Chronicle, Sacramento Bee, Los Angeles Times, and the St. Petersburg Times. He especially hates the New York Times. I mean, he REALLY hates the Times! Damn, he practically names the entire staff! And he issues a blanket 'falafel fatwa' to the the "majority" of the Vermont press. Sheesh!

If that isn't enough, the entire Associated Press incurs his wrath. Hell, he could have just simplified much of the list with just the AP reference, then again, he does have 240 pages to fill.

Ted Baxter er... Billy Bonehead seems to hate the legal system, since Alan Dershowitz, Ninth Circuit Judge Stephen Reinhardt and the entire Washington State Supreme Court make the list. Surprisingly, the court that heard that handled Andrea Mackris' sexual harassment suit against the Falafel Warrior/phone sex fiend. Shockingly, neither Mackris nor her attorney, Benedict P. Morelli, appear to be on the list. Though that would be way too transparent.

A few token conservative hacks make the list, as Michael Savage and Ann Coulter make an appearance. Ironically, Ann has appeared on the 'Factor' quite a few times.

Mr. Shutup-Shutup-Shutup's biggest current adversary, a person so dreaded by him that he refuses to even allow mention of his name, appears to be AWOL from the list. Keith Olbermann will be sorely disappointed. And I imagine FOX Security is too.

Oh, and did I mention that Olbermann has his own book out? Look for The Worst Person in the World: And 202 Strong Contenders wherever good (and <'>not-so-good) books are sold.

So, let it be known America. If Bullshit O'Reilly hates it, so should you. After all, it is your patriotic duty!