Randi's return sparks wingnut pile-on

"Did something happen to me?"

That's how Randi Rhodes opened her show yesterday. After three days recovering from a mysterious fall, she explained that she really didn't know what happened to her.

"I was watching football in an Irish pub," she told listeners. "I went out to smoke a cigarette, and the next thing I knew I was down on the cement, face down, bleeding."

In short, she didn't really know.

"I don't know if someone hit me from behind, or if I fainted because I hadn't eaten all day," Rhodes said.

"My fall wasn't broken by my hand, but by my face and a steel grate on the concrete," she said.

Being out of it, and knowing that she was in no condition to work for at least a few days, she didn't know what to tell her employers. After all, she didn't know what happened, and she was a bit hazy. But she had to tell them something. So she fired off an email stating that she was mugged, just to make things less complicated. Hopefully, she thought, it would all just be left at that. Hey, maybe she was mugged. Who knows?

You can listen to the audio of the first segment below:

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"I don't know how or why the story grew to me being brutally beaten or attacked," she claimed. Rhodes did not file a police report.

Likely, Rhodes did not mean for all of this craziness to happen. Who would really wish for this? For the past several days, she has had to deal with a crowd of paparazzi and reporters outside her apartment building, making it difficult for her to even leave her home. When she did, it was to go through long days of doctor examinations and dental reconstruction, including four emergency root canals. There were also questions about the state of her eye. Needless to say, she was very angry at the media, who she claimed never even asked if she was okay. She saw them as people who wanted to harass her and infiltrate her apartment building to snap pictures of her injuries. Some went so far as to harass the doorman, asking the whereabouts of a 'secret lift' to her floor. Obviously, she was not cool with that.

Then again, sometimes people can be so cruel.

Yes, believe it or not, the compassionate conservatives on the other side of the fence are obviously really concerned about her accident. The sarcasm is intended. In place of concern, the squakers on that side were formulating conspiracy theories, trying to portray themselves as victims, and spinning humongous piles of bullshit. So much for compassion.

Lemme give you an example about another talk show host, formulating made-up theories about what happened to Rhodes on Sunday night. Most of what was said was mere speculation and politically-charged attacks.

No, I'm not talking about Jon Elliott, who made the mistake of throwing out mere speculation on his opinion-oriented talk show. I already did in three previous entries. This time, I'm talking about Tammy Bruce. Yes, this so-called conservative was among the many forwarding ridiculous conspiracy theories backed by the flimsiest of proof. Funny, isn't that what they're accusing the left of doing?

His pompousness, Scrappy Doo Sean Hannity, also got in on the act, as if Rhodes' accident and the aftermath was stone-cold proof that we're all evil. He asked why his longtime nemesis Media Matters for America didn't chastise Elliott for what he said. If Hannity even has to ask that question, they he really is as stupid as he looks.

As the cons chastised the left-leaning media and blogosphere, they came up with their own unproven rumors and lies, just to attack us for using unproven rumors and lies. Is your head spinning yet? Even after Elliott issued an apology (which is something we rarely see with the cons), they still call us liars and hatemongers.

Believe it or not, some of these rabid righties were actually claiming that Rhodes got shit-faced drunk on Bloody Marys and passed out on the street, Jenna Bush-style. Their so-called credible source on this? This little item, based on an anonymous comment on Gawker.com. Now, I should explain to you, Gawker is essentially a Manhattan gossip site, with quite a generous splash of parody. Think TMZ meets The Onion. The Gawker group also publishes the oft-hilarious political blog Wonkette. Recent stories include silly items about various New York celebrities and Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling's cleavage.

But if these morons who tried to float this turd of a theory would actually stop and think for a second, they'd realize that guzzling fourteen Bloody Marys, a concoction consisting of vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire's sauce, Tabasco sauce, horseradish and whatever else your friendly neighborhood bartender decides to throw in is nearly impossible for normal human beings. Don't believe me? Why don't you try it yourself? Hell, I can't do two without my stomach burning with the intensity of a forest fire. If I, or anyone else, wanted to just get blottoed, wouldn't it just be easier to skip all the other stuff and just do shots? Or dry martinis? Yet common sense, in this case, does not make for a half-assed conservative spin job.

Some of these goons were even claiming it was all just a ratings stunt, without furthering any kind of proof. Tin foil hat, anyone?

The rest were merely crying like babies, naturally, feigning mock outrage that anyone on the right has the audacity to blame one of their own for the attack, as if they all have some sort of moral purity. Furthermore, most of these blogs linked here spun their own stories, using suspect sourcing, and creating their own fiction along the way. In short, they are lying to you, the same thing they accused us of doing. I guess two wrongs make a right, huh?

So essentially, these people attack us for engaging in speculation and pointing fingers, based on a suspect source, yet they do the same exact thing. While we here on the evil, subversive left side of the blogosphere are getting a dressing-down by those high n' mighty wingnut bloggers for jumping the gun too fast on that Randi Rhodes story, they obviously
feel they have carte blanche to make their own shit up.

You have got to be freaking kidding me here!

Needless to say, wingnuts were all over their own half-assed conspiracy theories like herpes sores on Ann Coulter. Yes, indeed - the same holier-than-thous who spent the morning wagging fingers at the left side of the blogosphere for citing a radio show host were getting their information from some guy who leaves a comment on the website. And they feel justified to use silly sources and just pass off their own speculation as 'truth.' Are you shittin' me?

But I guess I'm not all that shocked anymore by all this immature and hypocritical behavior by our counterparts on the extreme right. Let's face it - most of them are cowards, pussies, wimps, whiners and crybabies. Many of these feeble-minded asshats are pretty brazen about being utter hypocrites. But it sure as hell takes a lot of chutzpah from the 24% to be so outlandish. They claim to all be pro-business and pro-free enterprise, yet have spent the past three plus years sticking pins in their Air America voodoo dolls. In their eyes, only conservatives can take advantage of our country's freedoms. Yet they throw hissy fits when we call them facists.

They endlessly blast organizations such as Media Matters for America as being hate-filled liars clubs, yet they have their own versions that do the exact same thing, and have done it for longer. In fact, Brent Bozell's Newsbusters, which is allegedly the right-wing version of MMfA, can't even quote me right! Want proof? Compare the screengrab to the right to the entry it links to. Essentially, these conservative sissies endlessly attack and attack, yet bawl like brats and call us hatemongers when we retaliate. See the pattern here?

Of course, I'll probably be on a few of these losers' shit lists, as they feign mock outrage at the audacity of any of our ilk insulting them in any way. So if you are drinking their flavor of Kool-aid (or Bloody Mary mix), here's a note to you: Yes, I am insulting you. You people are dumbshits and hypocrites. You are a bunch of thin-skinned pansies, wimps, cowards and crybabies. If you really are offended by what I wrote, then go back to sucking on your pacifiers. Or go harass those who do.

And yes, you can quote me on that. Just quote me accurately. If you can.

Finally, and most importantly, I would like to send my best regards to Randi Rhodes, and say that I am extremely pleased that she seems to be quickly recovering and wish only the best as her life returns to normal.